Sunday, June 29, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Le Meme du Cinq
Stolen from the splendid blog Slaminsky...
Five snacks I’d enjoy in a perfect, non-weight gaining world
Divine Chocolate, Cambozola, Hill Station Cinnamon Ice Cream, Stroopwaffles and whatever cake my girlfriend's been baking
Five snacks I enjoy in the real world
As above except not so much of the ice cream because its about £5 a tub
Five things I’d do if I were a billionaire:
1 - Build a sustainable house/Convert an old house.
I get fucked off with the green bandwagon. It's kind of taken the idea of living sensibly and hollwed it out until it's just another consumer choice. I do however still think that I waste far too much in terms of resources and would love to live more efficiently. I'd build/convert houses for my family/friends as well.
2 - Give a big wadge to Shelter.
People need decent places to live, and Shelter help make that happen.
3 - Bikes
I'd definitely get a couple of really nice bikes, and ride them around some cool places.
Actually, the more I think about it, the less I know what I'd do if I was a billionaire. I mean, it's just so far from reality. Also, I don't really think that the things that make me happy require huge sums of money. I mean, as long as I get to go and hang around in some beautiful places doing fun things with people I like, what does it matter if I do it in Prada slacks? I don't even know anything about expensive stuff - I couldn't even tell you which bikes I'd want. I'm not sure if that's a lack of ambition or a sign of contentedness.
Five jobs I’ve had
1 - Giant Dancing Gnome
For a couple of summers before I started uni I had a job donning a giant gnome outfit and dancing around the MetroCentre in Gateshead. We had proper dance routines, scripts, the lot. There was even a talking dinosaur. Somewhere in my mounds of useless shite I have little cuddly toys of the gnomes. Brilliant job, if a tad sweaty.
2 - Night Cleaner in Food Packing Factory
Even more grim than it sounds. The floor-mopping, toilet cleaning and whatnot were fine, it was cleaning the giant food splurging machines that wasn't. The smell of reconstituted low grade meat isn't good at any time of the day, let alone 3am. The plus side was that could listen to John Peel as my breakfast show.
3 - Office Monkey at the Scottish Executive
Although I was essentially employed for my advanced skillz with the photocopier (300 copies? Double sided? BAM!) I also got a bit involved with some public consultation. As the Bill we were working on was about Crofting (tenant farming in remote bits of Scotland) I got pretty into it, and got to speak to some cool people around the country. I got to sit in on some ministerial debate sessions in the Parliament and hand notes to the minister (who was a complete plamph). And I got flexitime. I miss flexitime.
4 - Various call-centre jobs
Look, I'm not proud of myself, OK?
5 - Lab Technician.
It's what I do at the moment, and is outrageously boring. The work is dull, the people are dull, the building is dull, the management are dull, my description of it is dull. If I could hand my notice in this week I would. Wait, I AM handing my notice in this week. Sweet.
Five places I have lived
Birtley
Washington
Shiney Row
Bristol
Edinburgh
With the exception of Shiney Row, each one has been an improvement on the last. The only place to go once you've tasted what Edinburgh has is to fuck off to the highlands. Which I intend to do some day.
What was I doing 10 years ago?
Although I was supposed to be revising for my A levels I decided that I should also be in a play. It was John Godber's Bouncers and I was one of the four actors on stage for the whole two hours. I spent more time learning lines for that than learning about Special Relativity. The play turned out a bit shit but my A Levels went OK. The lesson there is that you should never try.
Five snacks I’d enjoy in a perfect, non-weight gaining world
Divine Chocolate, Cambozola, Hill Station Cinnamon Ice Cream, Stroopwaffles and whatever cake my girlfriend's been baking
Five snacks I enjoy in the real world
As above except not so much of the ice cream because its about £5 a tub
Five things I’d do if I were a billionaire:
1 - Build a sustainable house/Convert an old house.
I get fucked off with the green bandwagon. It's kind of taken the idea of living sensibly and hollwed it out until it's just another consumer choice. I do however still think that I waste far too much in terms of resources and would love to live more efficiently. I'd build/convert houses for my family/friends as well.
2 - Give a big wadge to Shelter.
People need decent places to live, and Shelter help make that happen.
3 - Bikes
I'd definitely get a couple of really nice bikes, and ride them around some cool places.
Actually, the more I think about it, the less I know what I'd do if I was a billionaire. I mean, it's just so far from reality. Also, I don't really think that the things that make me happy require huge sums of money. I mean, as long as I get to go and hang around in some beautiful places doing fun things with people I like, what does it matter if I do it in Prada slacks? I don't even know anything about expensive stuff - I couldn't even tell you which bikes I'd want. I'm not sure if that's a lack of ambition or a sign of contentedness.
Five jobs I’ve had
1 - Giant Dancing Gnome
For a couple of summers before I started uni I had a job donning a giant gnome outfit and dancing around the MetroCentre in Gateshead. We had proper dance routines, scripts, the lot. There was even a talking dinosaur. Somewhere in my mounds of useless shite I have little cuddly toys of the gnomes. Brilliant job, if a tad sweaty.
2 - Night Cleaner in Food Packing Factory
Even more grim than it sounds. The floor-mopping, toilet cleaning and whatnot were fine, it was cleaning the giant food splurging machines that wasn't. The smell of reconstituted low grade meat isn't good at any time of the day, let alone 3am. The plus side was that could listen to John Peel as my breakfast show.
3 - Office Monkey at the Scottish Executive
Although I was essentially employed for my advanced skillz with the photocopier (300 copies? Double sided? BAM!) I also got a bit involved with some public consultation. As the Bill we were working on was about Crofting (tenant farming in remote bits of Scotland) I got pretty into it, and got to speak to some cool people around the country. I got to sit in on some ministerial debate sessions in the Parliament and hand notes to the minister (who was a complete plamph). And I got flexitime. I miss flexitime.
4 - Various call-centre jobs
Look, I'm not proud of myself, OK?
5 - Lab Technician.
It's what I do at the moment, and is outrageously boring. The work is dull, the people are dull, the building is dull, the management are dull, my description of it is dull. If I could hand my notice in this week I would. Wait, I AM handing my notice in this week. Sweet.
Five places I have lived
Birtley
Washington
Shiney Row
Bristol
Edinburgh
With the exception of Shiney Row, each one has been an improvement on the last. The only place to go once you've tasted what Edinburgh has is to fuck off to the highlands. Which I intend to do some day.
What was I doing 10 years ago?
Although I was supposed to be revising for my A levels I decided that I should also be in a play. It was John Godber's Bouncers and I was one of the four actors on stage for the whole two hours. I spent more time learning lines for that than learning about Special Relativity. The play turned out a bit shit but my A Levels went OK. The lesson there is that you should never try.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Monday, June 02, 2008
Another world
Was it a dream? I'm not so sure. Dreams are seldom as good.
The dream begins on Friday night, as we speed North. I mean really North. Go up to Inverness, follow signs for North. Hold your nerve as the welcoming lights of Ullapool pass you by and keep going. It's worth it. I promise.
We finally pitched our tents in the midnight gloaming somewhere North of Lochinver. We'd left the clouds back in Aviemore, so now each improbable mass of mountain stood stark against the dusk. Still sticky with the grime of a week's work, we began to clean ourselves from the inside out, breathing in that rare air, pushing the smog of the real world away. We retired to bed weary, wired and slightly nervous.
The next morning we're peering over every cliff edge, worried that we'll miss it. We're all but swimming through the fog, trapped in our own tiny bubble of visibility. All of a sudden, there it is, scowling at us through the mist and daring us to climb it.
We'd arrived at our objective for the weekend - the Old Man of Stoer. I don't know if it was the insidious fog, or the 60m of overhanging rock, but it looked far more intimidating than I expected. Looking at it from the approach cliffs you really understand the meaning of the word 'awesome'. At the bottom, we drew lots to see who would have to make the swim over and before long I was plunging into the icy cold brine so I could fix the line for the others to cross.
There's no gear here and these holds are shit. This next bit looks steep. Fuckfuckfuck. Hold it together Steve, it's only a VS. Take some deep breaths and think about your feet. There you go. Now go for it.
As we sat smugly on the summit, the fog eased away letting the sun through to light our smiles and revealing the endless blue Atlantic. We'd done it. Still elated when we'd reached the bottom, we threw ourselves into the sea and baked ourselves in the sun. We swarmed to the top of the nearby hill where we lay silently gazing at what seemed like infinite beauty, listening to the skylark work through its manic songbook. Later that evening, we pitched our tents in our own little paradise amongst the otters and the seabirds. We cooked on the open fire and laughed the laughter of four great friends on their own great adventure.
As the roads get bigger and more busy, so the swoop of the windscreen wipers get more frequent. It's time to head back to the real world. Back to the rain. The dream is over, but you smile, knowing that it was better than any dream, and looking forward to the next one...
The dream begins on Friday night, as we speed North. I mean really North. Go up to Inverness, follow signs for North. Hold your nerve as the welcoming lights of Ullapool pass you by and keep going. It's worth it. I promise.
We finally pitched our tents in the midnight gloaming somewhere North of Lochinver. We'd left the clouds back in Aviemore, so now each improbable mass of mountain stood stark against the dusk. Still sticky with the grime of a week's work, we began to clean ourselves from the inside out, breathing in that rare air, pushing the smog of the real world away. We retired to bed weary, wired and slightly nervous.
The next morning we're peering over every cliff edge, worried that we'll miss it. We're all but swimming through the fog, trapped in our own tiny bubble of visibility. All of a sudden, there it is, scowling at us through the mist and daring us to climb it.
We'd arrived at our objective for the weekend - the Old Man of Stoer. I don't know if it was the insidious fog, or the 60m of overhanging rock, but it looked far more intimidating than I expected. Looking at it from the approach cliffs you really understand the meaning of the word 'awesome'. At the bottom, we drew lots to see who would have to make the swim over and before long I was plunging into the icy cold brine so I could fix the line for the others to cross.
There's no gear here and these holds are shit. This next bit looks steep. Fuckfuckfuck. Hold it together Steve, it's only a VS. Take some deep breaths and think about your feet. There you go. Now go for it.
As we sat smugly on the summit, the fog eased away letting the sun through to light our smiles and revealing the endless blue Atlantic. We'd done it. Still elated when we'd reached the bottom, we threw ourselves into the sea and baked ourselves in the sun. We swarmed to the top of the nearby hill where we lay silently gazing at what seemed like infinite beauty, listening to the skylark work through its manic songbook. Later that evening, we pitched our tents in our own little paradise amongst the otters and the seabirds. We cooked on the open fire and laughed the laughter of four great friends on their own great adventure.
As the roads get bigger and more busy, so the swoop of the windscreen wipers get more frequent. It's time to head back to the real world. Back to the rain. The dream is over, but you smile, knowing that it was better than any dream, and looking forward to the next one...
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