Invaders

Every August, they come here, with their haircuts, their overpriced beer and their 'culture'.

Most of the year, Edinburgh's the sort of peaceful city where lazy misanthropes like myself can merrily wander the streets without fear of jostling from hideous 'other people' whilst still enjoying the benefits of city life. Basically, I can go and buy Kettle Chips at midnight whilst avoiding the sweaty masses. Ace.

For one month, though, literally millions of hideous, yelping humans flock here to 'see stuff', booze themselves silly and GET IN MY WAY. All of a sudden Arthur's Seat is crowded with human cattle, pubs swarm with idiots in pork-pie hats and every square centimetre of indoor space is turned into a 'venue'. I took one of my shoes off to scratch my foot in the street the other day and when I tried to put my foot back in a troupe of lycra'd dwarves were performing an interpretive dance about the Iraq war in it.

And these people are some of the worst sort known to man: 'Creative' types. Now, don't get me wrong, there's any number of great performers, artists, etc who've enriched mankind no end. The problem is, they're followed around by a bunch of unimaginative gobshites who swan about the place pretending to have a reason to live. You can spot them wondering around town wearing some wacky headgear and a pair of plastic 'Elvis' shades handing out forests of paper to promote their awful show. They should all be rolled up in a giant newspaper and fired into the centre of the sun. With these folk about it's like living in London, only without the ethnic diversity or decent public transport.

There are, however, some decent comedians on and fireworks every night. When I get me that Taser I ordered it could almost be quite a fun place to be!