Inspiration

Guten Tag, readers.

Plenty of musings since the last instalment, so it's list-o-time!

- I have a shiny new computer. I like being able to send emails from my kitchen, and I can use the laptop and my old monitor together for dual-screen madness. I have crashed Windoze Vista a couple of times already though.

- This winter seems to be a tantalising mix of awful storms inter dispersed with the odd nice day (not on a weekend though). I actually got blown out of the Northern Corries of Cairngorm on Sunday, and then discovered that if you're not prepared to spend any money, Aviemore is a crap place to be.

- I'm loving my mountain bike more and more each time I use it. I definitely feel like my bike skills are improving (albeit still rudimentary), and I'm starting to get a bit more from jumps and whatnot. I think some body armour might be in order.

- Still on a mountain bike theme - if you ride mountain bikes then you HAVE to go to Kirroughtree (one of the 7stanes). You'll know why when you go.

- I had my sister up to visit recently. The highlight was coming home from the climbing wall to find she'd cooked up an incredible ratatouille with baked mackerel. It was even better than the nice meal she took us out for at Sweet Melindas the following evening (although that may be a virtue of the timing).

- I managed to lose about a stone in weight in the space of three weeks. I'd try to sell my techniques to a health magazine, but I think I might struggle selling the concept of shivering the weight off on a belay ledge to middle aged women.

- In the lsat 2 weeks I have broken two bike wheels. Smashy smashy.

You need to hear these tunes:
1. Hot Chip - Shake a Fist
2. Modeselektor - 20000007
3. Two Gallants - Drive my Car
4. Robyn - Konichiwa Bitches
5. Half Man Half Biscuit - Paintball's Coming Home
6. Dans le Sac vs Scroobius Pip - The Beat That My Heart Skipped
7. Holy Fuck - Lovely Allen
8. Amiina - Seoul

Take it easy folks!

2007 questions

Well, it's that time of year again that everyone reflects on the year that has been, and I grumble that it's no different to any other time of year, blah blah blah. And then join in, because it's fun. So I've stolen one of those Q&A things from my sister's blog to make up for the fact that I have no imagination (cut me some slack, though, I am full of germs at the mo).

1.What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
Alpine climbing. I didn't get the bug though.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I'm too much of a grumpus to make resolutions most of the time but I do have some goals for this year that mainly include doing more rock climbing and maybe learn to swim properly. Oh, and to get the hell out of DullLabHell and train for a proper career.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, and they got afterbirth all over my shoes.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My Auntie Leah died, but she'd had a good innings.

5. What countries did you visit?
Went to France for a bit (and Italy for an evening) but mostly explored Scotland even more. I'd almost count the Western Isles as a different country.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
More dry rock in the mountains please. And more holiday time to spend there.

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I never remember the dates of anything, really but there's a few days that will stay with me forever. Completing the Cuillin traverse on Skye was a very special day, as was climbing Point Five Gully on Ben Nevis in beautiful blue-sky conditions.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Not making a mess of the relationship with my girlfriend. Best thing I've ever done.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not passing my driving test. Several times.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Lots of cold/flu malarkey and some tooth-related bother but nothing to moan about.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My mountain bike. Mountain biking has become a big part of my life this year, and no one item that I own provides so much by way of fun and freedom. Worth every penny and more.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Amongst others, Del, Radiohead and my Sis.


13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
My work colleagues. I've never met such a bunch of uninspired, lazy and just plain self-obsessed people. I could go on about it for hours but it depresses me too much that people like that exist in such great number.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Bikes, food, council tax, travelling.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Riding my bikes fast over things and music from Iceland.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
CSS - Let's Make Love and Listen to Death From Above

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? happier
b) thinner or fatter? same
c) richer or poorer? same


18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Rock climbing

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Driving lessons

20. How did you be spend New Year?
Edinburgh Hogmanay street party. Party was a bit rubbish but I had fun with my friends nontheless

21.Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
My girlfriend. Hooray for Orange's Magic Numbers

22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
Yep. Right up to my neck

23. How many one-night stands?
Nil

24. What were your favourite TV programs?
Flight of the Conchords, Charlie Brooker's Screenwipe and The Late Edition. I am a BBC4 whore.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nobody springs to mind

26. What was the best book you read?
To Kill A Mockingbird. It's the first time I've read it since I studied it for GCSE and I actually enjoyed it this time

27. What were your greatest musical discoveries?
Amiina, The Album Leaf, Holy Fuck, The Octopus Project, Dans le Sac vs Scroobius Pip, Efterklang, Malcolm Middleton, The National, Fujiya & Miyagi, CSS, Adjágas.

I listened to a LOT of music this year.

28. What did you want and get?
A mountain bike.

29. What did you want and not get?
A driving license.

30. What were your favourite films of this year?
This Is England and Heima

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I went bouldering in Glen Nevis. I'm 27 now.

32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A more comfortable bike saddle. Less rain.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
'Mostly appropriate'

34. What kept you sane?
In no order: Music, my girlfriend and the wild places in Scotland.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
A tie between Lovefoxxxxx from CSS and Elliot from Scrubs.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Too many to mention.

37. Who did you miss?
My girlfriend

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Nobody springs to mind

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007
That no matter how well/badly things are going in your life there's always time for the simple pleasure of pedalling a bicycle.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year
Thou shalt not stop liking a band just because they’ve become popular.
Thou shalt not question Stephen Fry.
Thou shalt not judge a book by it’s cover.

Five Knuckle Shuffle

Well, I went winter climbing and survived - twice! More thoughts on that at a later date.

The real news is that Del finally received Shuffleathon CD I made for him (albeit in digital form due to postal ineptitude) and reviewed it here. Am rather pleased to say he liked it.

And now you too can be the judge as he's kindly hosted a zip file of the mixtape for you to download and enjoy.

Right click here and it's all yours!

First Frosts

November is usually a tense month for me. By this point the frustration of being pinned inside for months - too cold for rock climbing, too warm for winter climbing - has mounted to the point of near insanity. I'll spend hours each week peering at weather forecasts looking for that one word which will fill me with joy and fear: Snow.

Once the mountains put on their white winter coats, all manner of irrationality kicks in for climbers. Here it's all 3am wake-up calls, hours of torchlit walking, hot aches and frozen noses, all so we can scratch our way up some frosty rock with out ice axes. Great.

There's so much more to it than just a bit of climbing though. It really does feel like an escape heading into the hills in winter. The the subdued greys and blacks of everyday life are replaced by fresh, shocking white. The sound of godawful xmas music and delayed traffic replaced by the clank of metal on rock and the manic croaks of ptarmigan. When you return home at the end of the day, you do truly feel like you've been somewhere else. And also like eating all the food you can find.

This year's different. We've had the most beautiful autumn I can remember, and I've been lucky enough to keep myself active with my bikes, so I've not felt that frustration and yearning that usually overcomes me at this time of year. Have I lost my Winter Psyche?

Hell no. I'm getting up to go climbing in the cairngorms in about 3 hours.

And I'm bricking myself.

A List

No, not that one. It's spelled all different, innit?

Here are some things:

• I went to see Battles again the other week. One of the best gigs ever. There was some impressive multi-instrumentalism, an incredibly high cymbal, loudness, a roomful of post-rock nerds dancing in 7/4 time and one of the best atmospheres I can remember. The Pigeon Detectives they aint. I urge you with every possible organ in my body to see them if you can.
• Give Blood. Not only do you get free biscuits, but a sense of smugness and achievement that would usually require some actual effort. Lots of biscuits.
• I'm beginning to think Buck 65 might be mankind's saviour. If you don't believe me then go to his website and download the Dirty Work EP for free. Track 2 may just be one of my favourite songs EVER. Ever.
• Bikes. Yeah!
• Isn't it a great autumn? Have been out in the hills a bit this past few weeks and it's even more stunning than most autumns. Must be payback for such a soggy summer.
• In the year 2000 there are no more elephants but also no more unethical treatment of elephants.
• I have completed and sent off my Shuffleathon 2007 CD. Each and every song makes me smile like a fool. Can't wait to see the review.

That's all for now. Smell yer later!

What kind of rapping name is Steve?

Electric Bogle-oo

Last week I promised tales of further Derring-Do. Well, I was going to write about completing the Cuillin Ridge traverse on Skye, but Sam's pretty much summed it up in words, and Rik's got pretty photos up too. All I can really add to that is how chuffed I am to have completed one of Scotland's best mountaineering challenges in good time, with good weather and with good company. It really is a spectacular day (or two) out.

On to a different, but still spectacular part of Scotland - the area around Loch Laggan



I went mountain biking up there at the weekend with a different Sam, and after a wet day of cruising around the built trails at Wolftrax, we decided to go for a spin around the Ardverikie Estate.

TV watchers may be vaguely familiar with the area as the site of the ficticious Glen Bogle in Monarch of the Glen. Climbers will no doubt know of the classic Ardverikie Wall on Binean Shuas. Either way, it's a perfect place to go exploring on a clear Autumn day.

And what a day! After setting off into a fairly dense ming (it takes a lot of faith in the weather forecast to cycle directly into some clouds), we gradually saw the clouds lift as we rode on, with the odd wisp still clinging to the lochs. I know it looks pretty cool in the photos but that doesn't even get close to doing the sight justice. Even though I know it's due to temperature differences in the air, it still looks like magic happening right there.

We stormed our way through the first part of the riding - mostly on good Land Rover tracks. Because the area is a deer estate there's actually pretty good infrastructure for getting around, and even the odd holiday home hiding in the trees:


To be honest, after a while I was getting a bit weary of riding on good tracks - part of the fun of mountain biking is overcoming the obstacles that the trails throw at you. Luckily, the trail turned into some incredible singletrack snaking up a beautiful glen.



Unluckily it was the wrong glen and we had to re-trace our steps for about 6km. And the push our bikes most of the way up a munro, made all the more soul-destroying by the fact that the trail looked almost unrideable. If we were going to have to push back down the other side it would have been quite upsetting.

Of course, the downhill was rideable, and utterly fantastic.

Riding this sort of ground is exhilarating in so many ways. Squirming the bike between rocks and ruts focusses the mind like few things I know, and then letting loose of the brakes on the smoother sections brings some raw speed into proceedings. There's no time to think about how broken you'll be if you stack it - all your thoughts are on spotting the best line, or even just one that's kind of safe. Zen monks train for years to achieve and emptiness of mind like this. I suspect they'd be doubtful that riding a pushbike down a hill could lead to enlightenment though. Who cares - it's brilliant fun.

So for any mountain bikers reading this - hell, anybody reading this - get thee to Glen Bogle. It rocks.

Post Rock

So I signed up for the Shuffleathon over on Swiss Toni's Blog the other week, and have already received my CD! The idea of the shuffleathon is for a bunch of strangers to send Toni their address, and he pick out a victim for each person to make a mix CD for. Once you get the mix CD you post a review on your blog, and everyone gets to discover lots of music. Ace.

Mine was made by Mark over at LifeOnPlanetMe and I've now had it for a few days and a few listens. Reviewing each of the 23 tracks individually could get a bit tedious, so I'll just give a tracklisting and then discuss my particular high and low points. I won't pull any punches on the stuff I don't like as I don't believe in pretending to like music that I hate, so please don't take that side of things personally Mark - the whole point of music is to evoke emotions!

Tracklisting:

1. Let there be Rock - Henry Rollins & the Hardons
2. Whole Lotta Love - Prince
3. Where's Captain Kirk? - R.E.M.
4. Teenage Kicks - Therapy?
5. It's Not Unusual - The Wedding Present
6. Alphabet Street - Jesus and Mary Chain
7. Now I Wanna Sniff Some Glue - Metallica
8. What's So Funny About Peace, Love and Understanding?
9. Been All Around the World - The Pixies
10. Instant Karma - U2
11. Keep the Car Running - Foo Fighters
12. Love Will Tear Us Apart - The Cure
13. Crazy - The Flaming Lips
14. Hot In Herre - Beck
15. Thriller - Ian Brown
16. Girls and Boys - Pet Shop Boys
17. Can't Get You Out of My Head - Coldplay
18. Street Life - Morrissey
19. Union City Blue - Suede
20. Nobody Does it Better - Radiohead
21. Dark Globe - David Gilmour
22. Straight To Hell - Moby
23. So Long and Thanks for Al the Fish - The Divine Comedy

A fairly diverse set of artists there, each doing cover versions from even more diverse sources. I'll get the tracks I dislike out of the way first.

Whole Lotta Love - Prince. I remember at school there was an urban myth that Prince had some ribs removed so that he could auto-fellate. It seemed believable at the time, partly because of Prince's ludicrous-yet-entertaining sex-dwarf persona, and partly because when you're a teenage boy you want such things to be true. I now realise that it's certainly not true, because if you could suck yourself off, WHY WOULD YOU BOTHER WANKING IN PUBLIC LIKE HE DOES ON THIS SONG? Please, Prince, put it away.

Love Will Tear Us Apart - The Cure. I love the original, and I'm quite fond of The Cure, so I was quite surprised at how bad I found this. Where the original makes you empathise with the bleak subject material by being heartfelt and catchy, this version just makes you want to smack Robert Smith and tell him to cheer the fuck up. I feel a bit absurd for criticising a Joy Division cover for being too dreary, but this sort of thing does give sad music a bad name.

Girls and Boys - Pet Shop Boys. I just don't get the Pet Shop Boys at all - everything they do just sounds lifeless to me. And I hate the original. This made me want to superglue earplugs into my ear canals forever so that I don't accidentally hear it again.

Street Life - Morrissey. Oh, he's just a cunt, alright?

It's not all bad, though. INdeed there's some superb little numbers on there:

Teenage Kicks - Therapy? For me, Therapy? will always represent all of the unsavoury aspects of being a teenage boy. Here, they've made the song their own and turned it into a terrifyingly sinister stalker-dirge. It's actually scary to listen to. And at the end you can just about hear Andy Cairns' distorted voice saying 'Sorry Fergal' but not really meaning it. Ace.

Crazy - The Flaming Lips. The Lips always seem to do brilliant covers, often replacing many of the lyrics with their own seemingly ad-libbed words. In contrast to Gnarls Barley's dense original, this version is a far more spartan arrangement, but the quality of the song isn't dented one bit by this or by Wayne Coyne's alternative narrative.

Keep the Car Runing - Foo Fighters. Having picked one of the criminally over-rated Arcade Fire's truly great songs, Grohl and co. go for a fairly straight cover version, with an accordion taking the place of the original's strings etc. As usual, Dave Grohl's innate likeability shines through and makes this a real treat to listen to.

Hot in Herre - Beck. On just seeing this in the tracklisting I realised that 'Hot in Herre' is really a Beck song that just so happened to have been released by Nelly. The whole song is essentially one long shit chat-up line but as Beck shows here (and Nelly on the original) if you deliver it properly it can be brilliant.

There's a few other songs that I really enjoy (Radiohead's cover is a bit of an old favourite, and Coldplay use their earnestness to bring a heartbreaking quality to theirs) and some that leave me cold (Suede, Metallica, Audioslave, Ian Brown). There's some annoying niggles with a couple of tracks ending a bit abruptly and the sound levels all over the place (I really hate having to fanny about with the volume al the time to hear the songs properly). They're not critical flaws, but things that the dedicated mixtape nerd can fix easily in this glorious digital era.

As you'd expect with a mixtape for a complete stranger, it's a bit of a hit-and-miss affair for me. There's plenty on here that I don't like or am indifferent to, and I doubt I'll be listening to it much. There are, however, a few absolute corkers on here that I'll probably end up ripping and using in a mixtape of my own at some point. The main thing is that Mark's obviously put together some songs he loves and wants others to hear, which is all that you can ask for. So cheers, Mark - the CD may not have completely rocked my world but it did at least get me spastic dancing round my room to Beck.

As for my mixtape, that'll be revelaed soooooooon.

Derring Do

I've been putting off writing about my trip to the Alps because, well, it was a bit of an anticlimax truth be told.

Don't get me wrong, the scenery is incredible and the whole alpine environment is mindblowing, but I just didn't get excited by it.

There were a few mitigating factors - I took a while to acclimatise to altitude and I also contracted a fairly debilitating infection in a tooth - so I'm not sure I was in the right physical state to appreciate any of it. I also got a bit pissed off with nasty loose rock, and the faff of being roped-up all of the time. I was especially peeved at not being able to slide on my arse down easy-angled snow (probably one of the most fun aspects of mountaineering) for fear of falling into a crevasse.

But there's no need to whinge, as Chamonix was a fine place to sit about and take antibiotics, and I'm very glad to have at last seen the Alps. I'll be in no rush to go back (I think fir the same amount of money I could have a MUCH better holiday elsewhere), but I've no regrets going.

And also, on the way back I visited Fontainebleu, which is a magical playground of boulders in a beautiful forest just South of Paris. Anyone who even vaguely likes climbing should go there just to play around for a few days.

There's hundreds, if not thousands, of rocks with 'circuits' of problems to climb in sequence. Each circuit is marked out with arrows and numbers to guide you from rock to rock, and most of the circuits are designed to develop your skill and strength in a whole variety of climbing techniques. It's quite simply one of the most fun ways to climb I've ever experienced as you don't hang around in one place long enough to get bored, and you can easily choose the level of challenge you're up for. And it's knackering in the best way possible. I'll definitely go back.

So that was France - not as great as I'd hoped, but still not bad, and all the better for having had soe real fun at the end.

As for real tales of Derring Do - I've had quite a weekend, which I'll tell you about once I've managed to thieve some decent photos from. Watch this space.

Pack-a-doodle dooo

Man, I hate packing.

I've got a pile of clothes and climbing gear all set for my alps trip and I have no idea how to rationalise it all. So I think I'll take all of it. Hurrah for not flying.

In other news, I saw about 3000 fringe shows last weekend when the mighty Del, the lovely Chloe and the perplexing Henry invaded my city like the tourist Londoner scum that they are. Can't be arsed to review it all but I saw Charlie Brooker, both of the Hollies from Red Dwarf AND got my question read out on 'We Need Answers' all in one day. It was special.

I also failed my driving test last week because I broke the speed limit. Twice. Ooops.

Right, will post again in a couple of weeks with breathtaking photos and tales of derring-do.

Tata!

Invaders

Every August, they come here, with their haircuts, their overpriced beer and their 'culture'.

Most of the year, Edinburgh's the sort of peaceful city where lazy misanthropes like myself can merrily wander the streets without fear of jostling from hideous 'other people' whilst still enjoying the benefits of city life. Basically, I can go and buy Kettle Chips at midnight whilst avoiding the sweaty masses. Ace.

For one month, though, literally millions of hideous, yelping humans flock here to 'see stuff', booze themselves silly and GET IN MY WAY. All of a sudden Arthur's Seat is crowded with human cattle, pubs swarm with idiots in pork-pie hats and every square centimetre of indoor space is turned into a 'venue'. I took one of my shoes off to scratch my foot in the street the other day and when I tried to put my foot back in a troupe of lycra'd dwarves were performing an interpretive dance about the Iraq war in it.

And these people are some of the worst sort known to man: 'Creative' types. Now, don't get me wrong, there's any number of great performers, artists, etc who've enriched mankind no end. The problem is, they're followed around by a bunch of unimaginative gobshites who swan about the place pretending to have a reason to live. You can spot them wondering around town wearing some wacky headgear and a pair of plastic 'Elvis' shades handing out forests of paper to promote their awful show. They should all be rolled up in a giant newspaper and fired into the centre of the sun. With these folk about it's like living in London, only without the ethnic diversity or decent public transport.

There are, however, some decent comedians on and fireworks every night. When I get me that Taser I ordered it could almost be quite a fun place to be!

What Were the Skies Like When You Were Young?

They were fucking ace.

The Pentland hills are a mere 20 minutes of uphill sweating on a bikefrom work, and once there it's a veritable playground for mountain bikers. Never-ending uphills, super-fast downhills, a few wee jumps, midges - the lot! It makes me feel pretty lucky when I'm sitting eating my post-work snacks on the grassy hillside gazing idly at the reservoir reflecting the early evening sky. Much better than going to the gym or something.

Start Again

Whooooeeeee. Well, everyone else seems to be blogging like crazy, so I guess it'd be rude for me not to resurrect my own little corner of the internet.

So I thought I'd start a clean slate and explain who I am and what this blog will contain.

This is me:

I write this blog from my room high up in a tower above the beautiful city of Edinburgh, the capital of Scotland. It's an amazing city to be in, and I will no doubt yammer on about it ceaselessly in posts to come.

I make a living working in a chemistry lab, where I mostly take bits of goo and put them through horrible chemical ordeals in order to make sure the people in the adjacent factory are doing their job properly so that we don't poison anyone (the goo gets used in medical applications). I have the usual complaints that many folk have for their jobs: monotony, poor management, crap holidays. On the up-side, I love the cycle commute and the job's pretty undemanding, plus I can smugly approach it in a thoroughly half-arsed fashion smug in the knowledge that I have no intention of keeping a career there.

I started this blog so that I could show off all the big words I know and also have the odd rant. So what can you expect to read about here?

Well, I love the outdoors, particularly climbing (rock, ice, whatever) and cycling (on or off road). Much of my free time gets spent travelling to what I can only describe as big grown-up playgrounds where I can indulge in some mild derring-do. It's all actually a lot less dangerous than it sounds and a lot more fun than it should be, and I get to see some truly amazing things that you just don't get to see unless you go a bit off-piste. Like this:



I also listen to music endlessly. My tastes are fairly broad, but I have no time for bad music, or worse, mediocrity. Be warned that I may loose all sense of proportion when praising/damning some music, but then what's music for if not to get passionate about?

To that end, I will end this post with a short playlist of what's been rocking my hungover Sunday:

Mogwai - My Father My King
Sufjan Stevens - Sister
Malcolm Middleton - Fight Like the Night
Nelly Furtado - Maneater
Simian Mobile Disco - Sleep Deprivation
Caribou - Melody Day (Four Tet Remix)
Daft Punk - Da Funk
Fujiya & Miyagi - Transparent Things
CSS - Music is My Hot, Hot Sex
Prodigy - Charly
Idlewild - In Remote Part/Scottish Fiction

Yeeeahhh Bwoyeeeee

My it's been quiet on here of late hasn't it?

To make up for that, as promised, I proudly present to you the second part of my mixtape/podcast/whatever: Son of Red.

I personally guarantee that it will have you air-drumming and booty shaking till you can drum/shake no more.

All you need to do is do the right-click/save as thing on this link, then enjoy to your heart's content. The track list will appear in the comment box for some reason that escapes me.

ENJOY!

Feast Your Ears

Evening all.

I can just tell by the way that you're reding this that you're getting bored of your record collection. You've heard it all six million times, and you certainly can't be arsed with the squealing gibbons that present the radio.

Fear not, for the internet can save you.

Yes indeed. I have painstakingly collected a bunch of wonderful tunes together for your Aural pleasure. Call it a podcast if you will, but that implies that I did something other than choose some good songs and put them in a pleasing order.

It's called 'Son of Blue' as its the sequel to a compliation I did a couple of years ago along the same theme. It's one part of two, the other part being the 'Red' side which will appear on here in due course. The 'blue' side is the quieter, more introspective part, the tracklisting for which can be seen in the comments box.

Right Click here and do the Save As thing, then enjoy enjoy enjoy.

Thanks to Del for the hosting.

A Quote

Comedian, TV Presenter, novelist and genuine National Treasure Stephen Fry on the ongoing tension between protestants and catholics:

"Religion: Shit it."

Wise.

These Things

Straight from my brain to your eyes (except with computers and internets and stuff in between), yet another list of ponderations:

- Today I dissolved some eye goo in acid and then set fire to it. They pay me money to do this. I like my new job.

- Scotland beat The Best Football Team In The World® at the weekend, and the supporters and press didn't go on about it as if it was the shattering of a new epoch. English sport media (and supporters) have a lot to learn from their wise Caledonian brethren.

- Someone asked me if that new slide thing at the Tate Modern is really art, or if it's just a slide. I say if it's in an art gallery and some pseud wants to fawn over it then it's art. Either that or the Tate Modern's trying to muscle in on some of Alton Towers' action.

- I am so tired of Co-op filled pasta but it's just so damn easy.

- I want to find the peple responsible for Radio 1's daytime playlist and kick them in the kidneys until they piss blood. If I hear James Morrison or The bastardbastardbastard Feeling once more I may become unstable. ALthough they can play that Jamie T song a bit more. And Hot Chip. Oh, alright, they can stay, but I'm not making them a cup of tea or anything.

- There's yet another podcast over on Delrico Bandito. It will make your ears quite literally catch fire with joy.

- It's way too warm for October. Quite a lot of the trees are stil lgreen and it's just plain wrong. I bet slugs and badgers and that are going mental with it all.

- Waitrose isn't as expensive as I expected.

- I can't find non- aerosol deodorant anywhere. If you know of a cunning source then let me know and I will award you with a shiny new donkey.

That is all. Time for bedsleeps. Goodnightithtihtihtittttt!

I'm Feeling Lucky

I've finally given up and poured my whole online soul into Google's servers. As well as having a Gmail account, a Blogger account and using their fine search engines, I've now signed up for Picasa photo hosting too. You can see a link to it over on the right. Arent these internets clever wee gadgets?

I've also updated some other links over there too. If you have a photo site, blog or whatever then leave a comment and I might even get round to adding a link for you. How nice.

Also, some amusing and/or interesting things have happened recently and I have opinions about their implications.

A Smile Around the Face

Man, my CDs are in a total mess. I've just been looking for my copy of The Soft Bulletin by the Flaming Lips (one of the greatest albums evereverver), and after a solid 20 minutes looking I'm still no closer to hearing those opening strings (or synths or whatever) of Race for the Prize. I reckon I might have to wait until the invention of the quantum computer before I'll be able to bring order to the realm that my music collection now occupies.

On the bright side, such lengthy searches always unearth a forgotten nugget of brilliance that has sat dormant for years. I found my copy of Four Tet's Glasshead single hiding next to some unsavoury looking compilation CDs. Hooray for me!

If you've never heard Glasshead then you should do your utmost to seek it out NOW. For me personally it was a bit of an epiphany. Back when I was a mere 18 years old I bought it pretty much on a whim and started an unending love affair with off-kilter electronica. I'm desperately trying to hink of how to describe the track but without diagrams, hand-signals and perhaps even dancing I'm not sure I could do it justice. It's over 11 minutes long and has a bit that sounds like someone scratching on giant rubberised turntables whilst riding a pogo stick. And there's trumpets and stuff. Aw fuck it, it's brilliant - JUST GO AND FIND IT NOW.

And to think that more people will buy the new David Hasselhoff single than will have even heard Glasshead. Humankind is surely screwed. If, by the way, you have so much as smirked at the idea that that permed moron should be allowed to invade the nations collective consciousness then you should instantly ram a vinegar-soaked fork through your reproductive organs. There really is no excuse.

Daguerreotypes

I done posted some pictures what I took of my antics over the summer on my fotopic site. Check it out, yo!

Irn Bru Haiku

Mighty orange drink
O girder-based caffeine hit
You dissolved my teeth

Hello Again

Apologies for not posting for a while, you know how it is. Been busy and that. Christ, this feels like one of those emails you send to you old school friends that you can't be arsed to keep in touch with. Bollocks to that. I APOLOGISE FOR NOTHING.

Here are some musings:

- Look after your inner ears. Falling over in public isn't fun (and watching TV for a whole week whilst bed-bound will erode your faith in mankind).

- The humble bicycle is the most efficient machine ever invented. If everyone cycled more I think the world would be a better place. Albeit one in which more people wear lycra. Maybe I haven't thought that one through.

- Growing a beard makes me feel like a grown up. But also makes me look like a ginger-faced vagrant. I think I might grow one too keep my fave warm when ice-climbing though - just so I can grow icicles on it.

- I think I've broken a couple of toes.

- Yesterday I saw first-hand what can happen if you're not careful in the mountains. I will be replacing my battered climbing helmet and maybe taking a first-aid course. I really hope the poor guy is OK.

- I miss listening to John Peel.

- Everyone should check out Married to the Sea every day. DO IT NOW YOU FOOL.

Thus spake I.

Like the Heat of a Thousand Suns

I have rope burns on my wrists and I'm not sure how they got there.

Likewise the bruises on my knees.

I need to improve my technique.

This blog post was brough to you via the power of childish smut.

*Creak*

Right, well that's got rid of both of my regular readers for now. Several months of silence does wonders for one's blog readership. Stops the riff raff dirtying it with their bloodshot little eyes.

In true lazy mofo style, I shall try to recount the last few months in the form of a list. List order and chronology bear no correlation.

- Listening to Sufjan Stevens, reading Cloud Atlas in a tent on the Lofoten Islands in Arctic Norway.
- Going climbing at all hours ofthe night on said same islands.
- Sleeping in a cave on the Moray Firth coast whilst the sky collapses with rain.
- Deciding that I don't like Borrowdale.
- Extracting ticks from my areas.
- Having my first job interview in aages.
- Getting the job.
- Sleeping rough for 2 nights in Oslo sculpture park.
- Falling in love with granite.
- Jamming (and sincerely hoping that you like jamming too).
- Listening to the collected works of Mono at high volume.
- Being calm in the face of swearing motorisits.
- Swimming in lochs.
- Being grumpy about the Edinburgh Festival, but still enjoying the nightly fireworks.
- Growing a comedy ginger beard.
- Shaving it into an awful handlebar moustache for fun.
- Reading lots of other David Mitchell books.
- Not really understanding Jpod by Douglas Coupland.
- Lusting over mountain bikes.
- Spending my future salary on mountain bikes (in my head).
- Reading lots of internet comics.
- Being a bit underwhelmed by Thom Yorke's The Eraser
- Not tidying my room.
- Hurting my feet on discarded bicycle parts in my room.
- Sleeping in an industrial estate near Aviemore
- Climbing 'The Classics'.
- Being scared.
- Being brave.
- Bar-B-Q.
- Boycotting trendy bars with a 'no trainers' policy.
- Sweating my nights away in blistering heat.

Nice.

Punishment

There is no greater form of art thean the mighty pun. Observe:

Stevious says:
fucking hell. writing about climbing is hard

Del says:
an uphill struggle?

Stevious says:
yes. I want it to be the best article ever (est)

Del says:
soon it'll be over, hang in there

Stevious says:
dunno. it's looking a bit ropey

Del says:
er...

Del says:
ah, fuck it. get knotted

Stevious says:
yeah. and your gran

Stevious says:
ite

Del says:
ooooh. no need to rock the boat. if you want more puns you only need axe

Stevious says:
gneiss of you to offer

Stevious says:
but you might cramp(on) my style

Durrrr

Durr durr durr durr durr.

That is all.

It's raining music and it burns. Ouch, I like it.

 

So, after a wondeful few days of gigs, here's the round-up of what I saw at tritych this year.

Adem & Akron/Family at the Bongo Club

Firstly let's get the 'headliners', Akron/Family out of the way. With plenty of charming banter and a good line in noisy blues stomps they seemed promising on the outset. Unfortunately, they fell into the dull stoner rock trap of thinking that you could put 6 minutes of meaningless feedback in EVERY BLOODY SONG and still be entertaining. They were wrong, and as a result somewhat patchy.

No such disappointment from the real star of the night - Adem. With a clutch of effortlessy beautiful songs played on an array of esoteric acoustic instruments, there was a danger that music so fragile would fall apart in the bongo club. Opening with a solo rendition of new song 'spirals' it was clear that no such thing would happen. Somehow managing to avoid all the singer-songwriter cliches without making a hoo-ha about all the whacky instruments employed, the band managed to make you feel like you were the only person in the room. A rare thing indeed.

Extra point also go to Adem's band for using abotu 5 different glockenspiels during the gig. Plink-tastic.

Mogwai at the Usher Hall

Mogwai were my first real love in music and as such I find it hard to describe them without descending into a flurry ofsuperlatives. I've been going to see them live since I was 17 years old, and every gig has been spectacular and unique. Despite the poor acoustics of the Usher hall and the omission of 'My Father My King' (possibly the best live song EVER) the gig was still beautiful, mesmeric and punishing in all the right ways. After tugging on your heartstrings with perfect melodies, they assault you with a veritable barrage of sound. It's a very physical and emotional experience and I urge anyone who hasn't had the 'Gwai live experience to seek it out at the nearest possibility. Just don't expect to leave with your hearing intact.

Keiran Hebden/Steve Reid & Battles at The Venue

Laptop deviant Keiran Hebden has always floated on the more organic side of electronica, so teaming up with Steve Reid - a legendary drummer - for some live shows seems like a brilliant idea. In reality the results were somewhat patchy, but bearing in mind that the whole hours performance was improvised that's no big loss. It was certainly fun watching the interplay between a wizened legend and a twitchy upstart, and the mutual reverence made for a rather touching stage chemistry. Certainly not an essential event, but entertaining nontheless.

Battles, on the other hand are nothing short of incredible. Their records seem a little bit too robotic to really excite - almost verging towards dull muso wankery at times. On stage, however, they create a truly compelling spectacle, but more importantly they make you want to dance your fucking legs off. Combining astonishing musicianship with oodles of spastic energy, they all but tear your face off with their ferocity all the while juggling absurd polyrhythms and dancing like fools. If there's any justice in this owrld they'll be headlining the pyramid stage at next year's glastonbury, and as the camera pans out into the crowd, you'll be just able to make out the banner 'More Human Beat-Box in Post-Rock'.

Tunng & Buck 65 at the Bongo Club

At first I thought Tunng might be a bit like a British version of The Postal Service and was getting rather excited by theor performance. By the end, however, I got a bit bored by their distinct lack of performance, despite having some very accomplished and engaging music. Possibly just wasn't in the mood.

Buck 65 is utterly unique as far as hip-hop artists go. Drawing from his upbringing in rural Canada and seemingly fathomless music collection he crafts superbly skewed tales of, well, just about anything really. On stage, he's like a performing re-embodiment of John Peel. The musical esoterica and technical hitches of Peel's music shows (rapping to obscure classical music and skipping records) blending with the superb storytelling and emotional honesty of Home Truths (each track came with a funny, touching prologue) are enough to make any sane person grin all over.

In summary, then a rather fine festval. Bring on next year! 

Horsepiss

I spent ages writing a post about how wonderful climbing is last night and Blogger appears to have dissolved it. It was a prose of such unrelenting beauty that to gaze upon it would heal lepers and cheer goths up. I'm starting to think I might have dreamed it, but still hold the vague hope that it ended up on some random blog somewhere - I like the idea of it nestling in between missives from some podgy canadian teeneager complaining about being misunderstood by all the losers at school.

Ah well, it was probably a load of quasi-emotional pish with a few long word thrown in to make me seem clever and that.

I'm oof to see no less than FOUR GIGS IN A ROW this week as part of the Triptych Festival, some of which I might even review on here if you're particulary unlucky.

All I need now are some really big chips.

Just back from a fantastic weekend in Dumfriesshire - a part of Scotland I've never really been to before. I must say I was blown away with how remote it seemed out there despite being only about an hour from Glasgow. It's a truly stunning area, with some superb coastline and some world-class mountain biking to boot. All y'all should check it out.

Anyhoo, we were staying in a friend's 'hut' by the sea (which was far more luxurious than that sounds) and decided to go for a stroll along the coast. Barely a soul there apart from a couple of dog walkers, which is just how I like my beaches. We wondered over to one of the wee islands that is normally submerged at high tide for a bit of a poke around.

Look at what we found


Apparently the locals are now trying to build the world's biggest deep-fat fryer.

Civil Liberty

Well, I have yet another reason to love this wonderful nation - Scotland now has a ban in place prohibiting smoking in all enclosed public places. I'm jsut back from the pub, and I smell only of my own glorious scent, and not the stale cancerous smell of tobacco. And hooray for that.

It's a bit of a cultural turning point, and here's why:

Imagine you're in a cafe, enjoying whatever continental bread is trendy this week washed down with a wonderful cup of caffeiene juice. You're with a good friend - maybe even a potential love interest - smiling, gesticulating and generally minding your own business. And then along comes little old me. I stand right next to you and do the foulest, stinkiest fart you've ever experienced. A putrid stench so thick with evil it stains your clothes, your hair and even dries out your contact lenses. You'd think I was a bit of a dick, right? I mean what sort of antisocial bastard would do that?

Well, that's just what smoking's like. Except it gives everyone concerned cancer too. And until now it's been socially acceptable for smokers to inflict this on everybody else - even considered cool to flaunt 'no smoking' signs. But now it's actually illegal - you get a fine for it and everything!

So whilst it's almost a shame that it requires government intervention to establish something that should be a matter of common decency, it's by far the most sensible legislation I've seen in my lifetime. And to those who think it's an affront to civil liberties - is it an affront to ban people from letting their dogs shit on the pavement? Of course not.

So here's three cheers to cleaner air, and a big, mighty fuck you to all the smokers. I hope you enjoy standing outside in the pouring rain like the social lepers that you are.

Duvet Day

Slept through my alarms this morning and decided that it was as good an excuse as any to take a sickie. In America they call it a Duvet Day (possibly).

In celelbration of this, I bring you some photos I've taken of the view from Stevious Towers:

Daytime



Night time

Nice.

Das Wochende

I'm not sure what the shitting bastard happened this weekend but I can assure you it was brilliant. Here is a monumentally lazy list of events in no order:

- Rugby-tacking a jacobite warrior in half.
- Almost drowning in snow.
- Climbing nearly 200 metres of styrofoam.
- Deep-vein-motherfucking-thrombosis.
- Mr Beast.
- Breaking into a minibus.
- Watching a polish man drop-kick a government troop in the chest.
- Pitching a tent by balancing the poles in snow.
- Using more petrol than the USA

Bring on the sleep.

Thursday Night Lights

Thursday nightis probably my favourite night of the week. I meet up with my climbing buddies in the pub, discuss the week that was and make plans for whatever the weekend has in store. Tonight was particularly good.

I rushed out of the door at about ten to eight to go and see Guy Robertson speaking about some of the climbing he's donme in Scotland and abroad. There's nothing quite like an enthusiastic climber beaming about the things thay've done, and Guy was certainly enthusiastic. And incredibly inspiring. I'd reccommmend going to see him if you ever get the opportunity.

Anyhoo, armed with buckets of Scottish Climbing Psyche® off I toddled to the pub for this weeks tales of one-arm pull ups over dodgy pegs and debates about arctic weather systems. Not only did I sort out some badass climbing fun for the weekend, but a total stranger, overhearing that I'd had no dinner, gave me a bag of crisps. And I spent most of the night talking to pretty girls too.

So now I've come home, full of the joys of human kindness to a steaming hot bowl of cock-a-leekie soup (it's nutristious, tasty AND hilariously named - result!), a spendid bit of Delrico Bandito, some Godspeed YBE! and the buzz of anticipation for the adventures of the next few days. Imagine Christmas Eve when you were eight and you get the idea.

So now it's off to catch some sleep before the mundanity of work where I will dream, as I always do at these times, of strapping myself to a bit of frosty rock in the name of fun. See you on the other side.

Fwour

I should really try to pretend to hate these things, but I started this blog because I love to talk about MEMEMEMEME so big thanks to Del for tagging me.

Four jobs I've had
Giant Dancing Gnome, The Metrocentre, Gateshead
Washing Powder Scientist, Procter & Gamble, Newcastle
Child Care Worker, Sunrise Mountain Childcare Centre, Connecticut, USA
Policy Assistant, Crofting Branch, The Scottish Executive, Edinburgh
(I could do about twenty of these, by the way)

Four movies I can watch over and over
High Fidelity - More or less for Stevie Wonder playing out over the credits
Fight Club - Similarly for the Pixies
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - I am in love with Clementine
Forrest Gump - Makes me blub like a baby

Four places I have lived
Birtley, County Durham
Washington, Tyne & Wear
Various bits of Bristol
Marchmont, Edinburgh (my favourite neighbourhood of any city I've ever been to)

Four TV shows I like to watch
Peep Show
The Simpsons (Obviously)
ER
120 Minutes on MTV2

Four foods that I like
Ice Cream
Olives
The Mighty Bacon & Cherry Tomato Sandwich
Roast things (meats, vegetables, whatever)

Four websites I visit daily
EUMC Chatpage
UK Climbing
Dilbert
Mountain Weather Information System

Four things I want to do before I die
About a squillion different climbing things.
Have someone tell me that they want to be with me for the rest of their life.
Find the thing I'm really good at.
See a total solar eclipse properly (ie, not some clouds going dark)

Four places I would rather be right now
Lofoten, Norway
The arms of a beautiful woman
A highland Bothy, watching the snow fall as I sit by the fire
A really good gig

Four people I'm tagging
Big Sis
Jimmy
Jazy Lames
Toby

Opposition

So it turns out that I didn't know how to ski. Finding that out whilst gently sliding down a snowy alpine vally is probably not too bad, but the discovery came to me whilst carreering down a busy dry-ski slope just outside of Edinburgh. Nothing too damaged apart from my ego. Oh, and my thumb.

So the rest of the evening passed, and I learned how to control the foot-planks a bit more. Lessons were learned. Although obviously not the right ones, as the next day I found - to my surprise - that I had gone climbing.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that this wan't good for my thumb, and resulted in it ballooning up to quite a size and going 'Burple' (a cross between blue and purple according to Pimp My Ride). This has resulted in much hilarity this week. Basically, I can't hold a pen properly, or indeed use my right hand for much at all. Yes, even that is off the cards just now.

But if I have learned anything from al of this it's how lucky we humand are to have opposable thumbs. I bet camels have an awful time doing up a button fly, and I defy any walrus to open a bottle of Irn Bru. I would mock the inferior species, but I'm down to their level right now anyway. Have you ever seen a man trying to fix a punctured bike tyre with one hand? It's probably the least graceful thing you'll ever see this side of a manatee trying to tapdance.

Anyway, I ask not for your sympathy, but merely post this as a message for you all - look after your thumbs, kids. You might miss them when they're gone.

Musical thoughts...

I've finally got round to doing some of the mix CDs I've been threatening to do, which has given me some thinking time whilst my feeble computer wheezes away at the concept of encoding the odd MP3. I have come to the following conclusions:

Arctic Monkeys: Poor sods. Their singles are brilliant, and their album's a quality peice of work - any band would be rightly proud of capturing a generation so well. Is it the dawning of a new era of rock music? I hope not, because the peurile, ficticious 'scenes' that sprout up around any decent success story are all precisely 95.3% shite and are a pox on all that is good about music (except britpop, which was 99.7% shite). It'll mean that their next album is a load of bumwater and 400 utterly useless identikit troupes of automatons will pile through the CD:UK doors and into our eyes and ears like Sarin nerve gas. To be honest, the monkeys aren't even that great either. Just very, very good. Still it does mean that Domino Records will have another million-selling artist on their roster and be able to afford to bankroll more spectacular music from more challenging artists.

"Cheese" Music: When someone says "I just like listening to cheese" it makes me want to sellotape them to the floor and inject them with insulin until they pass out. Have I got a problem with "cheese" music per se? No. The average pop music club will play approximately 60% music that I like, actually. but to describe something as cheesy is basically saying it's predictable, soulless guff with no merit. Like Bon Jovi for example. But any good pop music that makes it into such nightclubs gets dubbed as cheese too, which is criminal. A good pop record (say, S Club's 'Don't Stop Moving' for example) is a thing of unrivalled beauty and should not be tarred in the same pap way as Chesney Hawkes. Maybe I just lack the requisite self-conscious irony to appreciate shite music.


Why Hip-Hop Sucks in '06: It's the money.

Goodnight fair folk.

Pants on Fire

So I did say that I would be more frequent with blogging. I am a big fat liar.

This week, I have mostly been mourning the lack of Scottish Winter. And whining about my lack of MP3 player.

WHERE IS MY MP3 PLAYER?

Where is it?

*sob*

Inn(u)it

Chillin with my igloo homeboys

Good things today...

As promised, more blog. Things that have been good today:

I found a new way to work today which is not only 5 minutes quicker (on a half hour cycle ride) but also has amazing views of this incredible city. Bit windy though.

Winning an argument with one of the customers at work and then laughing behind his back because it was about his prescription for Viagra.

Sneaklily downloaded Mogwai choons. You can use some of them to remove stubborn limescale too.

A quiet pint in the pub. Which is only 5 minutes walk away. Not half an hour like in my old flat.

Sky TV. I might be throwing my money at that Murdoch chap, but in return he constantly dribbles the Simpsons into my eyes. I win.

Hello Peasants

Firstly, happy new year to one and all. I hope that you all enjoyed the ACTUAL festive season as much as me (thanks to big sis for some superb xmas fun).

The big news is that I no longer dwell in a flat with no furniture/carpets/rent and have now moved into a rather nice wee flat with a view of Edinburgh Castle. Oh and the internet. In my room. I can now fire blog-crap right into your eyes form the comfort of my own house, and feel I may well do so. Consider yourself warned.

I also have a brand new job which is just as pointless as the last one, but slightly better paid.

That is all for now.

Bah

In a righteous echo of Delrico Bandito I declare this post a massive kick in the nuts for christmas. Take that, you filthy, seething festival of all that is ugly in our society.

There are so many reasons to hate Christmas, and it's all been bubbling under in a river of agony which I shall now spew forth like so much projectile vomiting.

Firstly, lets address the sheer money draining, soul dissolving commericality of it all. Every time I fucking blink I seem to be under some sort of pressure to spend money in the name of festive spirit. It's not the presents for friends and family, that I don't mind. It's all the other shite, like a party every 30 fucking seconds to celebrate the son of a god I don't believe in. And Secret Santa. I've only been in my current temp job for a week nad I'm already expected to buy a present for someone who I've barely met, which is pressure indeed. Especially since whenever my brain addresses the issue, the evil part of my brain can't help but think 'Two foot long dildo'.

Then there's the abandonment of any sense of decency. As well as all of the proles spending the money that would be better spent on some vegetables for their rickets-ridden offspring on enough lights to burn out an entire city's retinas, it seems that every drooling moron in the street thinks it's appropriate to cover themselves in tinsel and santa hats. Like they're desperate to show the world how much fun they're having by living every day of december like a pantomime. It's also this time of year that you could walk down princes street naked, covered in a thick film of sewage yelling 'I have SARS' and people will still violate your personal space in the interest of getting into BHS more quickly to buy some chocolate penises for their ugly spouse.

Christmas music. It's like someone's firing diahorrea directly into my ear canals everywhere I go. You can hear the performers scraping a smile onto their face as they groan their way through yet another forced celebration of mankind's loveliness, knowing that within minutes they'll be mainlining donkey valium to numb themselves from the horror of it all. Last year's 'Band Aid' effort, whilst no doubt for a good cause is a particular case in point. Do they know it's Christmas? Well, what with Sudan being largely Muslim, I certainly doubt they give a flying fuck. And anything involving Bono should be erased from the memory of our species.

That's enough for now. Enjoy your mince pies.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I'm still deaf two days after the gig.

I kept getting hit in the face with broken guitar strings.

I'm pretty sure my internal organs were temporarily re-arranged by the noise.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is why Mogwai gigs are so brilliant.

Clank and Dangle

I bet you're feeling smug, sat there in your centrally-heated room in front of your computer. Maybe later you might watch some TV. Or just vegetate on the sofa. I bet you're thinking about how last weekend was great because you did some cool shopping or went drinking with your friends.

Well FUCK YOU smuggo, because last weekend, I got up at 5am on Saturday, walked for ages and then spent hours and hours feeling utterly freezing cold. At one point I got hot-aches in my hands so bad that I wanted to puke my skeleton out with pain. I lost count of the number of times I thought I was about to plummet to my doom that day.

Yeah. Who's jealous now?

Oh.

Ill Communication

Well, it's that time of year again when all the infectious beings on the planet instantaneously attempt to nest in my respiratory system. Yes, I'm being melodramatic. I'm a man with a cold.

Thing is, by the nature of where I'm living (a reminder: Like Paper St in Fight Club) I'm not exactly best positioned to recover from any bugs and whatnot so I've still been going to wrok and giving everybody else my plagues. But it's less draughty there so nuts to everybody else.

Anyway, what with every gland in my body competing for the title of 'most swollen and painful' I had a thought. Maybe there should be an animated film about a madcap inventor and his dog who shrink themselves down and have a zany yet educational adventure through the human endocrine system.

It could be called A Gland Day Out.

Hey! It's the Sun!

OK, so it's sunny and cold today, which is happy weather for Stevious.

On top of that, I get my new clipper leashes for my ice-axes tomorrow (for those who know not what I'm on about it's a bit like getting a TFT monitor for your computer - not strictly necessary but sooo much nicer to use).

Yipee, hurrah, grin grin grin etc.

Having said which I do still want to find the scoundrel who's thieving my food at work, nail them to a large plank of wood and launch them into a pit of burning tar.

Autumn blues

Right, this whole wet and cold thing is starting to piss me off so I make no excuses for the negative content of this post. In no particular order I wish to complain about these things:

Bread Thief! Whoever keeps stealing my bread at work is a cunt of the highest order. If you want free bread go to the fucking salvation army.

Music at climbing walls. It's not the 1980s. Nor is it some redneck trailer aprk in the states. Or a youth club. So please stop playing Iron Maiden to me. It's not funny and ironic and it doesn't inspire me to climb. It makes me want to brick the stereo.

The people who live upstairs. Please put on another CD, as I grow somewhat weary of Oasis' worst hits. And yelling at the television is something that gurgling toddlers and elderly hermits do. Furthermore, WHY THE FUCK DOES ONE OF YOU KEEP HUMMING JINGLE FUCKING BELLS LOUDLT AT 8 IN THE MORNING? Bunch of retards.

Internet cafes. Porn mags are cheaper and you have the benefit that you can wank over them to your hearts content. Looking at porn in an internet cafe is demeaning for all concerned, and totally pointless.

That'll do for now. I feel better already. Bring on the winter.

Rock and Roll

Due to my incredibly hectic RawknRoll lifestyle I ain't been posting much of late.

 

Actually, I've just been out enjoying myself, and there's only so many 'I went climbing today, I really like limestone/sandstone/whatever' posts you can read before trying to delete the whole internet out of boredom.

 

So in the fine tradition of the lazy blogger, here'a a couple of lists.

 

Things that piss me off:

 

 - IT support who know less than me

 - Motorists who clearly shouldn't be allowed pencils, let alone automobiles

 - People who, upon donning a pair of slippers, drag their feet around as if affected by some sort of palsy

 - Lazy coach drivers

 - The common cold

 - Cumbrian weather

 - Northumberland grading

 - The piece of crap computer I bought

 

Things that make me smile:

 

 - Steep grassy slopes

 - Properly inflated tyres on my bike

 - The mountain of sweeties at work

 - Blue sky

 - Mum, Sigur Ros and Explosions in the Sky

 - Snow in the cairngorms

 - Fruit

 - Saunas

It's true...

...I saw it with my own eyes.

This mini-bus full of women pulled up next to a portaloo and every single one of them piled into the one cubicle.  At the same time.

When they left they all had immaculate hair & make-up.

'Owzat!

In all the fuss over some grasshoppers winning some ash or some other such nonsesne, it appears true sporting brilliance goes almost totally un-noticed:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/4235210.stm

As a matter of public record:

As usual, life spirals along without any notable incident.

Those of you with eyes may like to feast them on the new photographs on my fotopic site.

*Ow*

So Del just tagged me on some crazy blog thing (if you ask me a bit too violently. I bruise easily) so I must list 5 songs that I'm diggin' at the mo. They be these:

1. Amerie - One Thing
2. Herbaliser - Something Wiked This Way Comes
3. Mogwai - 2 Rights Make 1 Wrong
4. DJ Nite - Franzie Wonder
5. Gorillaz - Dirty Harry

And, according to the law, I thus tag the following folks:

My Sis, Ali
Lazy James
Nicky
Idiot
and, er, Jimmy the Dog

University of Life

Here are a few lessons I have learned over the past few days:

- Boots 'Roast Vegetable and Hummous' salad appears to contain
neither of its title ingredients. This is presumably some sort of
joke directed at the poor herbivore health-food types who are too weak
and malnourished to complain.

- Flirting outrageously with girls at military events will be at best
ineffective and atoworst potentially hazardous.

- One should not drink more than one could lift.

- Photographs from the Congo tend to focus more on the
violence/poverty of the area - I am yet to see documentary evidence of
Um Bongo consumption. I feel lied to.

- You can Still get Wham! bars. But probably shouldn't.

- If one is facing a long and arduous walk home, the burden of a 17"
CRT monitor does nothing to improve the journey.

I hope these brief insights are helpful.

Bike Rage

The Edinburgh Festival brings people in their millions to this
relatively small city during August, and it's certainly noticeable.

Last night, cycling through a busy part of town I was surrounded by
hundreds of human livestock, herding endlessly through the streets
stopping only to wipe the drool from their chins and seemingly too
enraptured by some Jeremy in a jester hat trying to get them to go and
see his pathetic university play about what it's like to be a suicide
bomber to bother looking when crossing the road. They were in my way,
basically and I wanted every last one of them to instantly contract
rabies and die frothing atthe mouth, their spines snapped under the
force of their own convulsions.

I was secretly quite enjoying hating these people. I don't really
have anything against tourists at all (in fact, I quite like the fact
that people travel just to come and see this city), but I do rather
enjoy swearing in my head. In fact I just thought of several very
rude words and nobody heard me do it. I'm dead subversive, I am.

Just as I was really getting into a good brain-rant, I noticed that I
had a plastic bag caught in my bike wheel. Great, I thought.
Something else I can hate the interlopers for.

The bag was properly stuck, giving me ample time to revel in my
internal bile-spouting as I wrestled it from around my spokes. Some
useless gawping moron was to blame for this, littering MY city with
THEIR crap.

Then, a hand appeared out of the blue instantly releasing the bag from
the wheel for me and depositing it neatly in a nearby bin. As I
uttered my thanks to this stranger, he replied in some foreign tongue,
instantly replacing my anger a sense of gratitude and the realisation
that no matter where you are, even in a crowd of gawping buffoons,
theere are nice considerate people. The bastards.

Cwithpth

An idle thought. Here is a list of potential crisp flavours unlikely
to grace your newsagent:

- Roast owl
- Oat 'n' Dust
- Cumulo Nimbus
- Gary Lineker's Manly Discharge
- Anthrax 'n' Vinegar
- Morse Code
- Aborted Foetus

Feel free to suggest your own. The winner gets 1 full hoover bag.

Am I exited?

OF COURSE I AM

Four Tet and Explosions in the Sky on the same bill? In Edinburgh?

Apparently so

Hooray for that.

I R Damien Hirst

Hooray for me. I have acquired a shiny new mouse at work, with a
scrolly-wheel and everything.

"So what?", I hear you say.

Well, if you look at 'stevious says' sideways and scroll up and down
REALLY FAST it goes all wobbly. Like art and that. Proper.

This effect is compounded if you mash your head against the underside
of your desk whilst plugging a mouse in, though.

Avert your eyes

My cunning and hilarious joke in the post below hasn't worked (I don't
usually talk in HTML like that). So if you could just pretend it's
not there until I get to a proper computer and fix it that would be
grand.

Troublegum

I had a listen to some Therapy? this week. I loved them when I was
15. All those shouty songs about being a total loner and wanting to
stab people to death. Perfect for a teenager who thinks that growing
your hair long and dressing like a bin-man marks you out as an
individual, as opposed to just a knob. They nearly won the Mercury
Music Prize, but lost out to M People in the end. I think they're
stil touring.

On a similar note, I had my first physiotherapy session this week (See
how I did that? Classy. Smoother than a bag
of gravel;, and more subtle than Abi
Titmuss).

I never thought it would be the case, but physiotherapy is fun! To
correct for my kneecaps bing in the wrong place and my feet being
funny-shaped I have to do the following exercises:

The Slow Policeman: This involves standing with my feet pointing
forwards (actually quite difficult for me) and bending my knees with
my back straight and holding it. Kind of like doing that 'ello ello
ello' thing that policemen don't ever do, but in slow motion.

Toe push-ups: Feet flat on floor, curl middle of foot up whilst
pushing down on toes. Apparently doesn't count if I use rock-boots
for this.

The Flamingo: Pretty much as you'd expect - standing about on one
leg. I like doing this whilst on the phone at work.

OK, so the exercises are actually pretty dull, but I only have to do
them for a week and then I move on to more advanced ones. Here's
hoping that in a few weeks time I'll have to do spinning handstands
whilst juggling a medicine ball with my feet. Who knows? Maybe after
all of this my knees will be slightly less knobbly, thus reducing my
chances of winning a free bottle of Asti Spumanti at Butlins.

Look!

More pictures on my fotopic site .

Peek-a-boo

Hidden tracks. What exactly is the point?

I imagine that the intention is to make the listener feel special, and
maybe create a sense of anticipation. Like I'm delving into the
unknown to touch upon a special creation that nobody else will
experience, because they don't have what it takes to be a proper fan
and wait seven-and-a-half minutes to hear this mind-blowingly
inventive compostion.

In reality, though, I just fast forward the blank bit to find some
2-minute bum gasp written by the drummer. Or in the case of Ash's
1977, the sound of someone violently emptying their stomach in public.
In some cases, I'll forget that the album's still running and
promptly fill my breeks when the unexpected racket starts up.

In the odd rare case that the track is any good, just put it on the
album properly. Nobody's fooled that putting a good song somewhere
awkward makes for a better listening experience. If they do then they
probably shouldn't be allowed a stereo in case they try and breed with
it or something.

Otherwise, just put the bloody song on a b-side, or your website or a
large pyre. Or give it to someone wank like Embrace to put on their
album, thus preventing me from having to listen to it at all.

Close Encounters

The fax machine (remember them? Like email from the 80's) is making
some mighty strange noises at me today.

Maybe it's some sort of extra-terrestrial being trying to contact me,
and if I can just decypher the code I could understand the message of
universal love, and cure all of mankind's ailments.

Or maybe I just need a more interesting job.

Dreich

One of my favourite Scottish words.

Means 'It's mincing it down outside'.

Which, of course, it is right now.

Choonz

Distinct lack of musical ranting here of late, so here's some recent
boat-floaters:

Gorillaz - Demon Days:
I hate you Albarn. I thougth I had it all figured out. The speccy
one was the good one in Blur, and you were responsible for the rubbish
bits, as evidenced by 'Think Tank' (load of arsewater) vs 'Happiness
in Magazines' (really quite good). But now you've released this and
it's brilliant. At least I can pretend it was made by a bunch of
drawings instead. Christ, I even like the song with Shaun Ryder on
it, it must be good (or I have contracted some form of mentalism).

The Chemical Brothers - Push the Button:
Hooray. the Chemicals are back on form. And they're using
glockenspiels on some of their tracks. Rejoice!

Bloc Party - Silent Alarm:
I'm not entirely sure why I love this album so much. Maybe it's
because it sounds like the drummer really needs a pee so he plays
everythign at full speed all the way through the album. Maybe it's
the slightly melodramatic lyrics. It could be the 'Pixies mixed with
Explosions in the Sky' guitars. Most likely though, it's the
occasional use of glockenspiel that does it.

The Magic Numbers - The Magic Numbers
Mmmmm. There's just something so warm and comforting about this
album. Kind of like a nice bowl of soup. But without the bit where
you burn your mouth on it, or accidentally drop your bread in it. The
sort of mushy sentimental stuff I don't want to admit I like. With
added glockenspiel.

The Prague Glockenspiel Orchestra - Greatest Hits Vol. 2
OK. I made this one up, but I'd probably like it if if did exist.

Centurion

Scotland can be a tough place to be a climber in the summer time. The
weather is often indistinguishable form that of an English winter,
with the rock often dripping wet and unclimbable. And then when the
rain and wind stop, out come Culicoides halophilus - the Highland
Midge.

Millions of these minute vampires swarm around the Highlands with no
respect for your personal space, trying their best to drain you with
blood. If you've never experienced these evil little bastards then
you may well think that I'm whining about nothing, but they are an
utter menace, and would test the goodwill of even the most Zen monk.

But then there are some days that will make you forget about all of
those times you've had to hide under a boulder from the rainclouds or
endure a zillion minute insects all trying to invade your nose, and
Saturday was one of them.

It was the first time I'd been to Ben Nevis in the summer, and the
weather had given us blue skies and brilliant sunshine. The cold,
dark slog I was used to taking up the Ben was replaced with something
far more bright and sunny (still a bit of a slog, though).

Today's objective was the classic rock-climb 'Centurion'. Taking a
steep line through some impressive rock, even looking at it from the
ground was awe-inspiring. Jo and I had been wanting to do this route
for quite some time, and I felt a bit intimidated as it loomed above
me.

The climbing itself was perfect. For over 200 metres the route never
once relented, each pitch exciting enough to be considered a classic
in its own right. Once you're on the route there's no easy escape,
adding more to the excitement and making the whole undertaking more
serious. Each movement required thought and finesse, every moment a
joy.

All those days couped up inside watching the sky collapse fade were
worth the wait, and every midge bite no more than a passing nuisance.
Days like that are what keeps us coming back, but unlike the drug
addict trying to re-capture that first perfect high, we come across
those days again and again, and never grow weary of them.

Yeah. Scotland's great.

Settings and things

hello mofos

This post is actually just to test that I've got my automatic
publishing thing set up properly.

If you're reading this then it is. If you're not reading it then
there's some sort of crazy telepathic shiznit going on and you should
market your talents. I want 10% of the cut for coming up with the
idea, mind.

Right. Off to Ben Nevis for the weekend. Bye!

Da Bomb

Well done to the second round of cowardly terrorists.

Through your incompetence you’ve outlined the utter pointlessness of your endeavours.

Clearly these people didn’t have Lego as kids.

Internet cafes suck.

I tried to write a post last night in the internet café but was distracted by there being lots of people on MSN, and the bloke next to me was looking at some utterly filthy pictures which kind of derails any train of thought. It was probably going to be about how great it is cycling around Edinburgh or something equally as smug.

I did, however manage to achieve a few things: I updated the links on the side bar, and I set up a thing where I can email blog posts in from anywhere I want. Yes, that’s right, I can now blog from work, which may mean a bit more posting round these parts. Most of it, as always, will be drivel (and if you don’t like it you can sod off and look at your loser schoolmates on friends reunited or something).

Bah!

Well, I *did* actually write a long post, but due to the ergonomic wonder of a power button right next to the return key it was unfortunately lost to the ether. Let us mourn its passing.

I'm not going to type it all out again, but I shall give you a synopsis and leavce it up to you to use your imagination to flesh it out with erudite wit and so on. It covered the folowing topics:

Make Povert History march & Edinburgh 'Riots' - Former was good fun, latter was laughable and pointless.

Me turning 25 - not as bad as I expected.

London Olympics - Should be fun. Hope the tickes aren't too expensive.

London Bombings - What exactly did that achieve now? Who benefitted? Nobody. What bawbags.

My Sister's Blog - it's genetic, innit? Very good blog from my older sibling.

Loch Avon Basin - A very nice bit of the cairngorms. Piccies may well folow eventually.

Right, back to the here and now. Man.

This week I have been mostly... Moving house. The landlord of my old place has decided that no more non-students can live there so we've all been forced to flee. The downside is that I no longer live in a flat where the stairwell looks like a victorian public baths (but in a good way) and no onger live nearby to hte best greengrocers in the world (four of them in one street, to be precise). The upside is that my rent is now much cheaper as the flat I'm in is being refurbished. This also means I get to help transform it from a badly decorated hole into a respectable pad. I'm also forced to live with minimal things in my room (easier to move around, etc) which is surprisingly satisfying. Especially seeing all of my CDs lined up on the floor against the wall.

I've also been enjoying the wonders of the blender this week. My wonderful big sis sent me a hand blender for my birthday and I just have to say what a wonderful improvement on my life it really is. (Actually there was one in my old flat and I used it all the time, but it wasn't mine and a couple of weeks without it made me appreciate it more, so just humour me). I've become one of those people who religiously drinks fruit smoothies. Bit of orange&mango juice, some cranberry juice, a banana and some kiwi fruit and I'm happyhappyhappy.

Thing is, you see, I can be really quite lazy when it comes to food. I tend to like having all the things I need in one quick fix so actually sitting and eating my five-a-day was quite a rarity. But with the blender - zooooosh - all vegetable matter is pulverised into one easy-to-chug portion. My skin's improved, I have more energy and the local hookers say that my sperm tastes better than ever (I made that last bit up). I also get to benefit from the sense of moral superiority that one gets from eating properly. Waht with that, riding my bike to work and recycling thingsit's a wonder I don't damage my neck looking down on all you mere mortals.

Tremble at my might.

I have returned...

Sorry little blog. I have locked you in the dark for too long. But no more will this pointless little corner of cyberspace remain untended. I hope.

So, I suppose I should have a quick summary, before lapsing back into the usual old ramblings that you're used to.

The wonderful world of temping still occupies my days and feebly fuels the financial hole that I call a bank account. Whgilst many would feel frustration in not moving toward an eventual goal, I'm actually reasonably happy at the moment (if often somewhat bored). Stress-free living is good.

Last weekend saw me running in the Lowe Alpine Mountain Marathon which was on the misty isle of Mull. I imagine it's a wonderful place, but dense clouds kind of ruined the view by reducing visibility down to about 20m. Still managed to have lots of fun despite having to retire on day 2 due to poorly knees. Actually, describing a mountain marathon as 'fun' is like calling this blog 'funny' - i.e. only the truly misguided would do so.

There has also been much climbing, photos of which will eventually appear on
my photo site so that you can all cringe at my photography.

More musings on the joys of turning 25 and also moving house. Bye!

Yes

Well, my lack of sensible internetting at work is somewhat impeding the blog.

I'm still having 'time out' with my useless temping job. And spending far too much time and money in pursuit of vertical silliness.

A quick shout out to Amoxycillin for healing my face.

And listen to the new Four Tet album, 'Everything Ecstatic'. Go on. I dares ya.

All Y'all is Jiiive Suckas

Yes, I am still alive, despite the worst effects of a combination of uncooked chicken and a vertical icefall.

Climbing is good for you, but not when combined with vomiting and diahorrea.

It's been a long time...

...Since I le le le left you
So here's a dope beat to step to.

Enough of that silliness.

Well, what with one thing and another I've been a bit of an absentee from the blog of late, despite many things happening. Here is the rundown:

1) My masters didn't work out because there wasn't enough material for them to give me a degree. Bit narked that I wasted so much time writing it, but other than that not too pissed off.

2) I have a temp job at the Scottish Executive. Oh yes, I am working for the government, and really quite enjoying it. I'm the lowest-grade office monkey in a fairly obscure department, but it's pretty stress-free, and I do get to do interesting stuff occasionally. I get free internet access, but unfortunaltely, the web-handholding robot thing doesn't like blogger. Oh and it blocks any emails sent to me with swearing in (particulary useful when all your mates are low-grade tourettes sufferers). I wear a suit and tie at work (this week offset by some sandals due to massive foot blisterage). BE frightened.

3) I've been climbing a LOT. Highlights include a pre-xmas ascent climb on Beinn Eighe in Torridon, some awesome weather in Glen Coe, a bit of mysteriously-hidden ice-boshing on Aonach Mor (hooray for the cable car) and a slushy near-epic in Lochnagar. I may have said it before many times, but I must say it again: SCOTLAND IS AMAZING and all you poor suckers who live in England are fools. Example? I saw the Aurora Borealis the last time I went to Glen Coe. Go on, try not to be jealous.

4) Good things I have cosnumed recently: the LCD soundsystem album, Charlie Brookers Screen Burn, an awesome Delgados gig, Peep Show on Channel 4, strawberry Alpen bars, gin, Five (or more) Portions of Fruit and Veg Per Day, the new Sage Francis album, Catch 22, SuperFeet (£30 for a pair of shoe insoles? And worth it? YES!), and the Buffalo XPD hood. The nice Hare Krishna lady I spoke to in the street seems to think that you don't need things in your life to be happy, but she clearly hasn't experienced any of the above.

Anyway, Stelios is about to evict me with a big orange 'Fuck off' sign if I don't pay for more internet time so I must leave you.

Glen Coe beckons again...